If you read last week's message, you know that our family has been up against it. My husband has been bed ridden since Christmas with a badly herniated disc. We have had the toilets breakdown on us. The dog has been sick. The kids all had bad colds and THEN the horrible, awful stomach bug slowly moved through each one of them. I cleaned up vomit nearly every day for over a week. Our washer and dryer probably need to be replaced, and I don't think there's any help for our couches. Oh, and did I mention, my husband has been in bed? Meaning he can't work. Meaning, he's not getting paid.
Now, that you're all caught up, I have really struggled, emotionally and mentally through all of this. Vomit is pretty much my worst fear, and 4 vomiting children, with no help from my husband, is a complete nightmare. However, while having a hard time with all of this, I was also giving myself a hard time for having a hard time. I was beating myself up for not being the perfect wife/mother/Christian, throughout each of these moments. I was disappointed in myself for the way I was handling this, and mad at myself for being upset with God. When every single night I'd pray over the kids, that no one else would get sick, and then every single day someone (maybe even the same someone) would be throwing up, it was disheartening.
I had been beating myself up, for weeks, over feeling this way. I had been piling on the guilt, telling myself I was a whiner, a baby, for feeling the way that I felt; telling myself over and over how so many people have it so much worse. In doing so, I had only been adding to my pain.
But the truth is, parenting can be a difficult and lonely job sometimes. It can take every ounce of strength we have at times, and this has been one of those times for me. Contrary to what I have thought of myself, I have not been miserable and rotten, or even ungrateful during this whole ordeal.
I have found humor in our situation, and I have laughed at myself.
I have had moments of gratefulness, as I have seen God's provision throughout.
I have been able to find some silver linings. Hey, I lost 9 lbs in 9 days, y'all. Nothing kick starts a diet like cleaning up puke day after day! New year, new me!! Yay!
But, I have still felt the pain.
While I was going through this, and confiding in my husband, my overwhelming emotions and guilt, he simply, and wisely said,
"Even a paper cut hurts."
The book of Psalms is filled with brokenness and heartbreaking cries to God. It is a great place to turn when you're feeling all alone with, well, your feelings. God knows it hurts.
On Sunday, yet another week of church missed by my sick and hurting family, I popped in on my husband upstairs during a sermon he had found on TV. Brian Houston, of Hillsong Church, said something that really hit me, and connected to what my husband had told me. He said,
"It is better to feel pain,
than to feel nothing at all."
Maybe it's a paper cut, maybe it's bigger, but it is ok to feel that pain. We will not always be completely filled with joy, hands raised; rejoicing. Sometimes, we're exhausted, lonely, and crying, without the energy left to stand. That's ok. He hears us on our knees too.
As a wife, mom of 4, and business owner, finding time to spend in the Word, can be difficult, so I get it! Come join me each Monday for a simple message of hope, faith, and encouragement amidst some honest mommy moments.
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